The Words from A Father Which Rescued Us as a Brand-New Dad

"I think I was simply just surviving for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality rapidly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… every walk. The job of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The simple phrases "You are not in a good spot. You must get support. What can I do to assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a wider inability to open up among men, who continue to internalise harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of failure to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a pause - spending a couple of days abroad, outside of the home environment, to see things clearly.

He came to see he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the language of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "poor decisions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that made you feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the challenges, along with the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their pain, altered how they talk, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I think my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."