Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
